5 Lessons

I meant to write a little sooner as my goal is once a week, but time got away from me a bit.  Well I am happy to report that my second week back (last week) went MUCH better.  Justin had a fairly normal work schedule and we are settling into our new routine.  My third week is starting off well, although I still have my moments.  In effort to document some of my first lessons on the job, here are 5 lessons I have learned so far:

1.        Perspective is Everything:  You can go into work and dwell on the fact that you are away from your child.  Believe me, this is easy to do.  I honestly have a perfect angel (for now at least) as a baby.  Why on earth would I want to leave him?  He rarely cries and gives out smiles for free.  But, if I thought about it all day, I would be miserable.  I am learning to view my work as a gift.  Not only do I get to use my skills to provide for my family, I can take advantage of my time.  I am starting to exercise on my lunches .  I use my commute as a time to pray and gather my thoughts for the day.  I plan lunches with coworkers/friends/family to keep me refreshed and energized.  Keeping perspective is keeping me sane.

2.       It’s Ok to Enjoy Your Work:  I have never been the person that could imagine myself saying, “Thank God I have a job so I can get away from my kids!”  I still can’t.  If there was a way I could stay home and still have benefits and money, I would.  But I can’t.  And so I work.  Sometimes when I am concentrated and in the zone, I find myself enjoying my work.  Almost just as quickly, I feel guilty for even letting myself feel that way.  But I am learning to let go of that guilt.  If I need to work, I am going to do it well.  I think there is something honorable in that.  Plus, it makes life a lot more enjoyable if you stop wishing you were somewhere else.

3.       Pumping Takes Patience:  Ok, my male readers need not read this one J  I am still nursing and I am determined to continue to do so for as long as possible.  Overall, it has gone really well.  I enjoy the mental break and my work is really supportive.  A few notes on this:

a.       Get a hands free bra:  This way, you can enjoy a book or call home.  My other pumping friend and I share parenting magazines and I get to check in with my boys at home. 

b.      Those little white membranes are really important!  One day, I thought my pump was broken but turns out, it just needed a membrane!

c.       If you get a plugged duct, message me!  Not fun.

d.      It is worth it.  I feel like I am still connected with Jack because I can do this for him.  It is so much cheaper too J

4.        Sleep Training was Worth It:  Thank God for Baby Wise.  I had Jack on a schedule from Day 1 and I am so blessed that he started sleeping through the night on his own and hasn’t had one bad night since.  Sleeping is so important when you need to work all day.  I am just waiting for the day he stops doing this, but it hasn’t happened yet. 

5.       Moments at Home Are Amazing:  My favorite part of the whole day is Jack’s bedtime.  I look forward to it all day long and it is worth the wait.  I feed him and then we get a chance to play before his bath.  We read stories, snuggle and sing.  Being away from him has certainly allowed me to enjoy this time even more.  Again, perspective is everything right?

So, those are just a few of the lessons I have learned so far.  I have good and bad days, but I think I might be starting to get thePublish Post hang of this.  That is…until tomorrow when I have to start all over again. 

I think I am going to rip the band-aid off and write about our journey to parenthood in the next few weeks.  Stay tuned!

For all of you just trying to make it through the week,… you can do it!

First Week

One week down….a million to go.  Whew.  First, I just want to thank everyone for your support in starting this.  I have wanted to start a blog for a long time but could never find a topic that felt right.  I hope this becomes a place of support as we walk this road together.  Because God knows I need it.

 Well let’s talk about my first week.  I think it could be best described as a progression.  It started off really well and slowly unraveled into a huge, fat, big mess.  On the Sunday night before I went back to work, I was furiously cleaning the house and getting everything ready before my first day back.  My pump was packed.  I blew the dust off my work laptop that hadn’t even been opened for 4 months.  I was even tempted to pick out my outfit like I used to do before the first day of school after summer vacation.  Because let’s be honest. Maternity leave, at least for me, is a lot like summer vacation.  You live for so long at this crazy pace and then all of a sudden you get to stop and check out for a bit.  But back to Sunday night.  I was rambling to Justin about how we should have expectations about what he would get done during the day and who would do what chores.  Justin works at night as a private chef/cooking instructor and is home with Jack during the day.  For some reason, I thought it was really important that we figure this all out on Sunday night before either of us had a clue what we were in for.

I woke up at 5am on the dot.  I took my time getting ready.  I packed my lunch and made a fruit smoothie.  The house was quiet and clean and I thought to myself, I can do this!  Jack normally wakes up anytime between 5-7am so I wasn’t sure if I would be feeding him or pumping.  So by 6am, he hadn’t woken up yet so I just pumped.  I felt very satisfied with myself as I left that bottle on the counter, knowing that Jack would have it when he woke up.  And off to work I went.

My first day was great!  Yes, I had about 857 emails (literally) to go through but it was great to see all of my old coworkers.  It was a nice ego boost hearing about how much they missed me and how great it was to have me back.  “Wow, you look great!”  “What, you had your baby only 3.5 months ago!”.  That part felt good.  I will not give too many details about my job on this public forum, but I am the lead on a team of corporate trainers.  I jumped back into the swing of things and quickly started to learn about all I had missed.  I realized that I wasn’t that mom who cried all the way to work.  Maybe I actually can do this.

That was Monday.

When I got home that first day, I had a few tears when I saw Jack.  It dawned on me that I had just missed a day of his life.  Slowly in the back of my mind, the progression started happening.  I had no idea how I was really feeling at that point.  Instead, I took it out on Justin.  Why hadn’t he cleaned the bottles or walked the dog?  Weren’t these things part of our expectations?  Nice going “wife of the year”.  What you meant to say was thank you for keeping our kid alive all day and for being such a good dad.

This is already getting long so I will give you the short version of our road to chaos.  It started with a rat problem in our garage on Tuesday.  They got into our dog food so our three dogs were starving but Justin didn’t want to feed them contaminated food.  So he woke Jack up from a nap to go get new dog food, only to realize all of the stores were closed because it was only 8am.  Then Justin got his work schedule at the last second and realized he needed my mom to watch Jack two times in one week.  This also meant I had to add an extra hour onto my day to go get him after work.  On Wednesday, Justin got a ticket for an expired license while trying to teach a cooking class on a military base.  This also meant a trip to the DMV.  This also meant more time at my mom’s house for Jack.  On Saturday, Justin had to cook for 70 people (which turned out to be 125 people).  He was up at the crack of dawn on my one morning to sleep making hash browns and cutting fruit.  He came home exhausted but his day was only just beginning.  Justin is the worship leader at our church and he had to make sure he was ready for the biggest holiday of the year.

Late nights.  Hurried hellos and goodbyes.  No time to even look each other in the eye.
As I write this, I realize that most of the stuff was happening at home and had nothing to do with work.  But as I watched my house go from calm to chaos, I realized that I felt helpless.  My role is to keep everyone calm and organized.  My role is to help my husband.  All I could do was come home exhausted and get Jack in bed.  I even threw in a few snappy comments as a bonus.
So on Friday I cried at work.  I was so wounded, so tired, and so ready to be with my family.  Thank God I have a wonderful coworker who is in the same life situation as me.  She took me to get frozen yogurt during my breakdown.  By the end of the day, I left with a smile, knowing I could catch Jack during his “awake time” and get in a few snuggles.  But of course, there was a HUGE accident on the freeway during my commute and I got home right when he was ready for his nap.  What a wonderful finale to the week.  Justin was leaving right when I got home and needed help with some things.  As I looked around my messy house, I was done.  I threw a little temper tantrum like a little girl as I yelled, “I just want to hold my baby for a few seconds!!!” Thankfully, he knew that wasn’t directed at him and we got him out the door.  Blah.  Gross.

When I started this blog, I wanted to leave my readers with something positive or relatable in every entry.  Well I’m not sure this is going to be one of those entries.  See, I am already breaking my own rule.  I can conclude by saying that I survived.  I learned a lot during that first week and plan to think through some of those things and share them with you.

Please comment if you made it this far.  I would love to hear any first week horror stories or lessons you have learned.  I am praying this week is a lot smoother and that I learn from my own mistakes and failings.  Most of all, I am thankful that I even have a family to take care of and a job that pays my bills.  Cheers to a better week!

This Is For the Mom

Bibs, boardrooms, and finding balance in between.  Is it possible?  Ready or not, I am about to find out.  My name is Bonnie and I am a working mom...as of four days ago.  With four exciting, confusing, tear filled, invigorating, and challenging days behind me, I felt it was time to begin documenting this journey.

My journey to motherhood was a long and interesting one to say the least.  For the last few years, all I wanted was to hold that little bundle in my arms.  It was the fight of my life just getting there, but more on that later. Before Jack was born, I used to imagine the doctor putting that baby in my arms and looking down at his little face.  I knew that if I could just get there, I would be alright.  Things would fall magically into place.

Now I find myself here with my bundle....and the rest of life is shockingly still here. The alarm sounds at 5 AM and there is still lunches to pack, dogs to feed, a house to pick up, and a husband to love.  However, there is something poetic in the madness.  I keep going back to something my mom told me.  She said to keep reminding myself that these ARE the good 'ol days.  I plan to enjoy them as much as I can, even while I attempt this new balancing act between a husband, a career I love, and a little boy who already has stolen my whole heart.

I have a lot to share and I hope this place becomes one of comfort and encouragement for all moms.  We all know that a mother's work is never done, even if we don't work in an office.  I have the pleasure of knowing many fantastic moms.  I also know that we ALL need a little encouragement once in a while.  I will conclude this first post with a poem I wrote a few weeks ago.  I hope it blesses you!

This Is For The Mom…

This is for the mom that can take any sheet

And turn it into a magical fort

Who cuts the crust off of every sandwich

And becomes a fan of every new sport

This is for the mom who leaves every day

Before the morning light

And as she kisses that sleeping face goodbye

Wonders if missing these moments will ever feel right

This is for the mom with the child with a strong will

Who always insists on his own way

Who worries she is starting to see herself

In her child more every day

This is for the mom whose family is far

And home is a plane ride away

Who worries her child won’t have memories

Of grandma and grandpa someday

This is for the mom whose days feel all the same

Another nap and another lunch

Who wonders if she’s making a difference

As she pours that third cup of punch

This is for the mom who counts every penny

To buy the practical things she should

But in her heart she would give her baby

The whole world if she could

This is for the mom who doubts

And for the one who cries

This is for the mom who worries

Who just wants to be more wise

This is for you my friend

On this hurried day

You need to hear something

So hear me when I say

You are not alone

You are doing alright

So just keep walking

And fight the good fight

Please know that the love you feel

For that little face covered in glitter and glue

Is only just a fraction of the love

Our Father in Heaven has for you

May He give you the strength you need

And show you which way is best

And may He give your weary soul

True and lasting rest

-Bonnie Kent